It is an exciting time of year when the novelty of cricketers trying to sell you phone plans and chicken begins to wear off. Advertisers enthusiastic to use the world’s least charismatic people must regroup and begin a new season of colourful ads featuring the world’s second least charismatic people, footballers.
Now I am a fan of both sports, but every time someone is subjected to Ricky Ponting and Michael Clarke selling 18 different products in one ad break it becomes dramatically harder for me to express my passion for any sport in public. It really shouldn’t matter that they’re terribly bland people, but let’s face it, no one likes their chicken looking more charismatic than the people trying to sell it.
In their defence, everyone knows cricketers are bland, it comes with the territory, cricket has a soothing sort of blandness to it. Cricket is like an old woman, comfortingly boring, takes 5 days to do something which could be done in an afternoon and the vast majority of people don’t care about it anymore. Football on the hand is fast, furious and supposed to be our national sport. If you were to watch all the coverage of football including games and programs on football and sleep a full 7 hours you would be left with only 4 hours a week of your own time. Those 4 hours would probably be spent watching sport personality* injected advertising.
So with all this over exposure of football you would think there is a lot more to the game than well, the game. Unfortunately outside of liaisons with under age women and TABs there really isn’t a lot going on with footballers. Trying to make football interesting using only footballers is like trying to make politics interesting using only politicians. So maybe it’s time to make football interesting by disregarding footballers. Using the recent draw for the NAB cup this is how the cup would have turned out if all the teams’ monikers were to play each other.
ROUND 1 - WEEK 1
Richmond Tigers v North Melbourne Kangaroos
The Roos have a strong start as the Tigers solitary nature makes it difficult to play as a team. The Tigers turn the tables when they suddenly describe how Australian Rules Football has its origins in the Aboriginal game of Marn Grook which used the testicles of a kangaroo for a ball. The Roos are thrown off their game and are duly eaten by the Tigers.
Richmond Tigers Win
North Melbourne Kangaroos v Hawthorn Hawks
After the defeat by the Tigers the Roos come into the game knowing only a win will be any good for them. While the Hawks are fresh, the Roos are furious about their past history and association with Australian Rules Football. The Roos lure the Hawks into their pouches with insects and then suffocate them.
North Melbourne Kangaroos Win
Richmond Tigers v Hawthorn Hawks
The Hawks are up against it and the Tigers use their distinctive stripes to camouflage themselves amongst the sea of tiger print tights, the current fashion of Hawthorn’s large hipster crowd. Their slavering mouths hidden amid the Hawthorn crowds frothy lattes, the Tigers come out of nowhere to catch and destroy the Hawks and everything they represent.
Richmond Tigers Win
Greater Western Sydney Giants vs Western Bulldogs
Rubbish game really. The Giants crush their opponents. Literally.
Greater Western Sydney Giants win
Western Bulldogs vs Collingwood Magpies
Collingwood Magpies, the masters of tactical approaches to games, exploit the Bulldogs’ natural susceptibility to hip dysplasia and fittingly ruin their fragile egos and hip cartilage.
Collingwood Magpies win
Greater Western Sydney Giants v Collingwood Magpies
The game is played in the middle of the Magpie mating season and as such, they’re furious. The irony of the Collingwood fans at the same time being angry because of their lack of a mating season is lost to them, as is any chance of regular employment. The Magpies manage to swoop the Giants until they become so disorientated that they believe Garry Lyon to be a charming and interesting host on ‘The Footy Show’. By this stage a win for the Magpies is inevitable.
Collingwood Magpies win
West Coast Eagles v Essendon Bombers
The Bombers start in arrogant fashion and try to ride their bombs out of the aircraft ala Dr Strangelove. The Eagles pride is wounded by such disrespect that they attack the Bombers’ genitals in an incredible display of ferociousness. The Bombers ride the bomb into the ground in the grips of unimaginable pain.
West Coast Eagles win
Essendon Bombers vs Fremantle Dockers
After the incredible damage to their genitals in the last game with the Eagles, the Bombers decide to stay in the aircraft. This is unfortunate as the plane is a seaplane and has been unloaded of its cargo by the Dockers. The Bombers struggle to get anything out below deck, they have problems unloading any cargo from the plane as well.
Fremantle Dockers win
West Coast Eagles vs Fremantle Dockers
The elegance of the Eagles majestically soaring through the sky like a feathered ballerina is lost to the uncultured Dockers. They feed the Eagles rat poison, set fire to their convulsing bodies and then throw them at their pregnant wives.
Fremantle Dockers win
Be on the look out for:
ROUND 1 - WEEK 2 Coming Soon
(Or already available depending on whether you're reading this after I've posted the WEEK 2 installment)
*I am well aware of the oxymoronic nature of the phrase 'Sports Personality'
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