It was a pretty exciting opening to the NAB cup, the first article wasn't too bad either... Now for Week 2.
So in keeping with the theme of the last this is how the NAB Cup would have turned out if each of the team's monikers played each other.
St Kilda Saints vs Sydney Swans
The Swans start with an incredible play, they manage to lure the Saints over to them with a joyful display of their monogamous nature. Unfortunately the Saints are well aware that monogamy brings no joy and see through their plan immediately. They cover their halos in bread crumbs, deep fry them and feed it to the Swans as onion rings. With their throats blocked off, the Swans slowly choke to death.
St Kilda Saints win
Sydney Swans v Geelong Cats
The seminal rivalry between the Swans and the Cats has been shown down the years on nearly every episode of Australia’s Funniest Home Videos. This game doesn’t disappoint and features many slapstick moments worthy of out-dated and ludicrous narration. The Swans boisterous behaviour proves too much for the Cats and they scatter to the nearby homes of polite Asian families where they are fed and cared for as if they were their own.
Sydney Swans Win
St Kilda Saints v Geelong Cats
The Saints try and win over the Cats by expressing their enthusiasm for the myriad of cat related memes on the internet. They inadvertently hit a nerve with the Cats who have been virally exploited to the point of breakdown. They scatter back to the nearby homes of polite Asian families.
St Kilda Saints Win
Gold Coast Suns vs Melbourne Demons
The Suns come into the game in red hot form, a large circular form 109 times the size of the Earth to be more precise. Unfortunately for them the Demons’ natural climate prepares them well for the Suns intense pressure and they comfortably dominate the game.
Melbourne Demons win
Melbourne Demons v Brisbane Lions
The Demons are playing in their away strip, the form of a serpent and are really constricting the Lions offence as well as their vital organs. Life mimics art as Chrétien de Troyes’ character, Yvain the Knight of the Lion swiftly saves the Lions from almost certain defeat against the Demons in serpent form. Unfortunately Yvain doesn’t have the proper registration and so the Lions are disqualified from the match.
Melbourne Demons win by disqualification
Gold Coast Suns v Brisbane Lions
The Lions come into the game confident that they can overcome the Suns heat as their genetic makeup gives them a biological advantage in such conditions. Unfortunately for them they were raised in captivity and as such even the slightest wind can upset their delicate physical state. They become incredible dehydrated and in the brutal heat think that the water boys are actually tall glasses of Pepsi, their natural drink of choice, and tear them apart to drink whatever liquid they can find. The water boys are filled with Powerade which when exposed to the mouth of a living organism release 600ml of colourful poison. The Suns scorch the remains of the Lions and spread their ashes on their fans and any fans of the Lion King.
Gold Coast Suns win
Port Adelaide Power v Carlton Blues
A difficult game for all concerned as the Blues and the Power struggle to really get a basic understanding of what physical manifestation they are in an article about a hypothetical game of football. The game ends a tedious and wasteful expression of the English language.
Port Adelaide Power and Carlton Blues draw
Carlton Blues v Adelaide Crows
The Blues begin to get a grip of how they function in a light hearted article and begin to attack the Crows susceptibility to illness. They are able to exploit America’s high depression rate and lenient gun and hunting laws to sink their citizens into a spiral of blueness that can only be improved through inflicting pain on defenceless creatures. The crows are shot almost to extinction. The American citizens still struggling with the Blues strong attack immediately turn the gun on themselves. The AFL is disappointed to lose the potential American market.
Carlton Blues win
Port Adelaide Power v Adelaide Crows
The Telstra Bigpond AFL website reports that the Crows hit the Power hard but that was just their attempt at covering their asses over heavy outages on their website. Turns out they had largely nothing to do with each other all game and it ended a stalemate.
Port Adelaide Power and Adelaide Crows draw
Week 3 coming soon.
Yes this idea can and will be milked for 3-4 weeks.