Sunday, April 29, 2012

First Date Tips

A friend of mine recently went on a first date. Although I've been in a relationship for 5 years, I feel I could still give some advice to those entering (ooh err) the dating scene.

Throwing a partner off guard alters the dynamic drastically.
This is particularly useful if you feel your partner may be somewhat "out of your league". A small compliment wrapped in a negative comment or "Neg" keeps a disinterested and often-flattered partner on their toes.
Try from one of these:

"Your dress looks great on you. Must be popular, I've seen a lot of girls wearing it."
"Your face is a tad to large for your head, in a cute way though!"
"I really like your thick brown hair, it's like Hitlers. Hey, he was still a head of state!"
"Your high heels are great, they make you look like a drunk giraffe attempting to rollerskate. A cute baby one!"
"Out of all the pretty girls in the bar, your at least a bronze in the second tier!".
"Did you fall from heaven...on your face? You squinty faced angel!"

"I know all the guys say this, but you look familiar. Were you on Crime Stoppers?"

Maintaining a dominance in the dynamic will always give you the upper hand. 
You can do this by:
  • Not speaking for the first five minutes of the date
  • Giving them a smaller chair to sit on. A low foot stool is preferred.
  • Constantly rolling your eyes and pfftt-ing
  • Release flatulence while maintaing eye contact. 

Ordering certain drinks and food can alter your mood on a primeval level.
Physical attraction has a lot to do with strength and health. Try ordering meat in all three courses (a good substitute for a dessert is a rissole covered in chocolate syrup). An alcoholic drink like red wine also gives an impression of taste and sophistication. If possible, try and order a ground up rhino horn martini, or a dry mixed with stallion gland juices. 

Closing the deal
Even if you have implemented my plan, sometimes you might need a final push to seal the deal. Firstly, set a small fire in the toilets. Once the fire spreads, rush your partner through the exit which you've already rigged with falling wooden beams and timed to crash down behind you. One you've knocked her/him out, take them to your basement. To help with the next part of your story, it would help to create some injuries, trying to avoid the face and or genital area. I'd recommend burning your shoulder with an iron, saying that you had to push up against the burning wooden beam with your back in order to save your partner.

The apocalypse story is yours for the choosing; if your confident, pull out alien invasion or zombies to create a more intense form of hysteria (and later dependency). A common variety nuclear holocaust situation is also acceptable.  Once you've convinced them that their families and friends are dead, simply wait for the constant state of fear that is now her existent, along with the primal urges to forward the species along, to align the planets so to speak!

Good Luck!

No comments:

Post a Comment