East 17 - London goes pop... then bang.

The lower class weren't the only ones interested in destroying shit. Lower class 'musicians' felt the destruction of faith in music was just the beginning.

I’ve always been a man with a keen ability to read between the lines; unfortunately this is due to my dyslexia coupled with a small astigmatism that affects my ability to read. Nonetheless I am the guy people come to when they want someone to connect the dots for them. Even when it seems as if there are no dots to connect, I make my own and then connect them. Some people call this pointless conjecture, others call it truth, and for me truth is stranger than fact.

For years I’ve shocked the world with my truths, like when I said that the 9/11 attacks were actually carried out by the buildings surrounding the world trade center through lengthy sub-atomic oscillations, the planes were just coincidences, both of them. I will shock a nation when I publish my findings on Australian newspaper cartoonists and their hidden agenda to elect politicians who make for good caricatures. But for now readers I will explain the truth about the London riots.

Now many would point to the shooting of Mark Duggan as the cause of the riots, but those people don’t have the boundless knowledge of mid 90’s pop music like I do. They are overlooking one key element, East17. East 17 is a band (that’s right they still record and tour) which was extremely popular in England, Australia and, according to Wikipedia, Mongolia. With their street wise attitude they were the perfect foil to the well kempt members of Take That. With their hilariously tall head garments and their lack of teeth they seemed harmless enough at the time, but these comical set pieces were hiding a much darker secret.

Let’s start off with their name, East 17. They got their name from the area code of their hometown of Walthamstow. Walthamstow was also the name of their first and most successful album. If you place ‘East Seventeen Walthamstow’ in an anagram generator it comes up with ‘A Vehement Satan Tweets Slow’, coincidence? Why don’t we look at the twitter accounts of the band members from when the riots started on the 6th of August to when they finished on the 10^th of August? Let’s look at twitter account of Tony Mortimer the songwriter of the group -

He predicts that 2drivemark will love ‘something’ and he has spent a ‘looong’ time thinking about it. He then does not tweet for 13 days and conveniently loses his phone. Maybe he’s not that kind of person though. Now initially when I went tried to look at Mortimer’s personal website at my school it was blocked by the Holmesglen Institute’s network for being ‘suspicious.’ He doesn’t seem that suspicious. Oh what was that? He was the pallbearer at the funeral of Reggie Kray, one of London’s most notorious underworld figures? Hhhmm... Well maybe it’s a once off? Let’s check the twitter account of Brian Harvey the apparent ‘face of the band’–

No activity between 5^th of August to the 20^th of August then he is sorry for ‘being late’, or perhaps in other words, ‘being slow’? Let’s check out the bands twitter account.

Oh Jesus. 4 days late sorry. And where were they the whole time this was happening? Germany. Enough said.

Should we have seen this coming? Well if you have foresight like I do then you would have. In 2008 after East17 cancelled their comeback single ‘Fuck That’ there was a riot in Mongolia. Many claimed that it was linked to rigged elections but we all know better. Their single ‘It’s Alright’ was a number one hit in both Mongolia and England and unfortunately avid followers this is no coincidence, it’s yet another clue to a mystery Dan Brown couldn’t (and for artistic reasons probably wouldn’t) write.

Many thought of the song ‘It’s Alright’ as a well structured mid 90’s pop song, those who thought that, well they went on to become London’s rioters. The video clip for the song featured the band on stage dancing and singing in front of a frenzied crowd lit up by spotlights. 

Oh no officer there’s no need to check under my beanie…

Now I’m no connoisseur of riot symbolism but such imagery was definitely not above a band that had such clever song titles as ‘Generation XTC’ and ‘Feel what U can’t C.’

‘Course I still use an apostrophe in the fucking song title. It’s grmr innit?’

The lyrics don’t help their innocence either.

No don't be so sad
Cos life is 2 short 2 live
No don't be so sad
I'll be mad if you're this

Life is 2 short 2 live? What about the often misunderstood chorus? As it is often heard and quoted:

It's alright
It's really alright
It's alright
It's really alright

The real lyrics:

It’s a riot

It’s really a riot

It’s a riot

It’s really a riot

But why on Earth would East 17 start multiple riots?  Is it because people might want to listen to innocent pop music after so much violence and bloodshed? Or maybe by lowering the population their new record will do better in relation to sales per capita? In my opinion it is neither of those ludicrous suggestions. I personally think it is because Brian Harvey is a trained plumber and John Hendy (one of the ignored members) is a roofer. This I ask you, who could benefit more?

The roof, the roof, the roofer’s no longer fired

This whole situation wouldn’t be as scary if it wasn’t for the fact that ‘It’s Alright’ didn’t just make it to the top of the charts in England and Mongolia alone. Turns out another country called ‘Australia’ didn’t mind the song either. The pattern is ominous for us, or maybe you’re optimistic and think it’s alright….